Thoughts

Fairy Lights. Camera. Action.

You see it's not your fault that I miss you everyday, that I crave drowning in your ocean blue eyes, that I miss being held.

Why do I keep thinking about what you might be thinking which in fact maybe be just my messed up head fused with my unattended emotions making me think what I want to think and not what I actually should be thinking.

But hey, it's not your fault that you don't feel the same anymore because maybe this messy head of mine made some imprudent combinations and blurted it out in endless permutations.

It's hurts because I know I'm late.
It's hurts when I know that this effort I put now is veritable but is derided of any heed from your end.
But I try to mitigate.
My methods, my ways of expressing these emotions, my effort in holding people close to me.

So maybe on some days I prepare a meal for you, stick quotes written by you on the wall encircled with those new fairy lights which were supposed to guide me to a better place. But then you cancel. You cancel on my love because you find it toxic. You find it to be capable enough to seep into your heart and intoxicate it.

So then I tear these innocent pieces of paper and throw the well crafted dish on the floor.
It breaks and it's pieces disseminate to every corner that we once made love at.
I cry, I shout, I pull my hair.
I tell myself to calm down, to not expect.
I pick up these pieces to put it back together only to find out it'll never be the same.

I cut myself and blood begins dripping on the lipstick stains on my tee making them alive again.

The fairy lights blaze on the lipstick blotches and my dripping tears assorted with this blood pumped abruptly by this toxic heart portrays a lucid picture of reality.

Only this time, I finally choose to accept it.