Thoughts

Hey, Mom.

Dear Mum,

Hi. How are you? I thought I’ll ask you, for a change. I don’t. I never do. I have become this person who is trapped behind his own walls. I don’t like me like this. But you still do. Maybe it’s because of what I expect in return or maybe, the walls are just too high for anyone to climb. I know you tried to break it down, brick by brick but after a point of time, you let me be. I’m sorry for being heavily guarded. Even when you sent me good morning and goodnight texts and just ended up seeing a blue tick mark in return, you still declared me as the best son a mother could ever wish for and were ready to fight every critic there ever was. Even though I pushed you away for getting me my favourite ice cream a day late, you would still sneak in at night and kiss my forehead because you couldn’t go to sleep over guilt.
How do you do it?

I can’t even hold on to myself and you take this responsibility to take care of everyone without even complaining once or asking for anything in return. All you wanted was my presence and I couldn’t even live up to that. Don’t you get heartbroken? Everyday? How do you even sleep through the night? How could you move past it?

You must tell me because I need you more than you need me.
For the first time, I made the valiant choice of falling in love. It wasn’t much of a choice. Let’s just say I fell in love with the most beautiful woman succeeding you. For a fool that I am, I broke her heart by not being a man when I was supposed to. Realising what I was missing out on and that I couldn’t see past her, I tried to make amends. I tried mum. But she had moved on. She had moved so far away from where I was that her sight became a mere dream. I am heartbroken. Just when my heart began to unravel the mysteries of this new journey, it broke. It broke into pieces I can’t even put together anymore. Maybe the capacity to love again is lost even before it started. Maybe I am getting the taste of my own medicines for pushing people away and breaking their hearts when doing so. I don’t know what to do mum. She told me to move along without her. How can I? The words ‘without me’ hurt me like someone just put a knife through my heart and every part of it crashed in every possible direction. I don’t even know how to put myself together after this. Please tell me what to do because you do it every single day. I can’t even think about moving forward without someone I truly love. Please tell me I shouldn’t. Please tell me that if she ever loved me wholeheartedly, she can never move on. Please tell me that I’ll be fine. Please tell me that its okay to make a fool out of myself and look for her shadows in the dark. Please tell me the hard truth in a subtle way so that I don’t feel a thing. Please tell me that it's not okay to lose a best friend when you need her to stay. Please tell me that the fact that she’ll not stay is okay and that I’ll be just fine without her. Please tell me that I’ll be able to love again. Please help me put these pieces back together and make me stand up on the ground on my own. Please tell me so that I stop this stream of tears and tell myself that it’s okay to be half a man without love. Please teach me about life and how it’s bad for people who love. Please tell me that if she actually cares, she’ll never leave me.

Please take me to where it all began where everything was fair and taken care of.

Please hold me for some time because if you don’t, I’ll lose myself forever.

Please save me from me.