Pondering Pain

Pain. Its something everyone experiences, from stubbing your toe to contemplative suicide. And the thing about pain is (don’t worry I don’t love john green anymore, (a story for another time)) that I don’t think it ever leaves you. In a split second, you could meet someone or experience something that is going to alter your life. Forever.

You could find someone who makes you want to shout at the top of your lungs from a mountain top, while sometimes they’ll make you feel like you’re soaring through the infinite skies, that very same person could make you feel the ground collapse underneath you, leaving you tethered to the edge of your sanity. You could give all the power someone could ever have over you to one person, and hope they don’t let you down. You could be wrong. Does it matter? All you’re gambling is just your heart.

Giving your heart to someone is scary enough, giving it to the wrong person is the worst thing you can do to yourself. You will spend those inevitable uncountable nights, pining and wishing and praying and making all the possible permutations to make yourself believe that its not them, it couldn't possibly be; they love you too much to ever hurt you like that. You will reassure yourself that mastering the art of stalking someone online is definitely closer to "curious" than "creepy". You will convince yourself that compulsively checking your phone every 2 minutes is “healthy”. But that’s far from the case.

When you idealise people like that, they aren’t just people for you. They’re perfect. They’re the epitome of happiness and attaining that would define you. But you're just tricking yourself into falling into a spiral of insecurity and pain. Save yourself. Don’t let them do that to you. It isn’t their fault, they probably don’t even know. But that thing you think is love is actually poison seeping through your veins, killing you slowly. Don’t be a slave to your emotions. Your emotions make you sane, they make you human. But don’t let it tread that thin line between sanity and insanity. You're so blinded by all your feelings, that you deceive yourself into thinking the reality is what you want to believe it is. Cut out that toxic person from your life. Watch yourself grow out of all that insecurity and misery and actually live your life for yourself, and not for someone who loves you, but just not enough.