Everyone I know has at some point said the dreaded four-word bomb: I want a boyfriend. While mostly I completely disagree with them, that occasional day I think why not? But then I realise my mental incompetence to understand relationships. From what I’ve seen of relationships, I'm so completely and purely baffled, I don’t think I would date anyone in a long time unless they were Ian Somerhalder. It all started one day, when for my IB English HL class, I was required to read Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri.
She’s some kind of modern mystic; her work is, for lack of a better term, amazing. Her book talks of the diaspora of a child of an immigrant. She follows him into his adulthood and I noticed the way the relationships in his life worked. He would meet someone, be enamour, spend every waking moment with him or her, get comfortable, too comfortable, and end up resenting her. When you first meet someone, they seem like the perfect match. Everything seems to connect and you couldn’t even imagine them having any flaws. But the more you get to know someone, the uglier it gets. Rather, they reveal who they truly are.
Desperation, anger, hopelessness changes everyone. It awakened a realisation. It always ends. You meet someone, you love them, you give them a part of your life, but life eventually gets in the way until it “isn’t working out anymore” and once again that person who was once the centre of your life becomes someone in the sidelines, until eventually they fade away. The end is never the end. They never really leave you, but you learn to live without them, no matter how much you love them. You might spend the rest of your life with someone who just about gets you. There will never be a “right” person. Relationships make no sense to me. It stumps me that I could spend so much of life with someone, but never really know him or her. Some people only ever know how to hide who they are. You can never look into someone’s mind and know exactly what is going on in there.
You love the image they create for you. I know mine is an unpopular opinion, but think about it. Someone could promise you the world, but wake up one morning and not love you anymore and it’s not their fault. Maybe it’s just my trust issues and me. A few nights ago, I was having a discussion with a close friend of mine, when she brought up a point that might even change my perspective on this. She told me that people would always hurt me. That there would never be one person who could guarantee to never let me feel any pain.
That really got me thinking, there is no relationship, not just romantic relationships, where you don’t feel any pain. Parents, siblings, friends. But the joy and love they bring in your life is unreal. Those moments when you quietly sit by a windowsill or crack up laughing while watching your favourite TV show are the moments I live for. Life wouldn’t be quite so bright without y’all. So if you want to hear it from someone, hear it from me. I have serious trust issues; I struggle big time with letting people stay in my life without ruining their lives or mine. That being said there is nothing better than letting your guard down and letting yourself be vulnerable. Sometimes you just have to trust people, even though that is the last thing you want to do. Sometimes they won’t break your heart, they might just fix it.